Where the Fu*k am I?

Ever had one of those moments of lucidity where an uncomfortable truth is realised? Lately I get them more and more frequently. They come the same way I imagine a contraction would and likewise they slowly start to become more regular. I fear that maybe soon my thoughts will dialate and I will give birth to a new direction, new beginning, probably redesign a new future?

I guess all this stems from questions. I have just hit my 30’s and I have; no financial security, no true fulfilment of what I always thought I would be, and a short string of girlfriends that don’t mean that much to me? My biggest success and most rewarding realisation is my portfolio of friends. I have loads of friends who have known me for a very long time. Most of the friendships I have invested in are 15 – 20 years matured. I have really cool ex-girlfriends also. They have all stayed in frequent contact which some think is odd but I enjoy, as they are all great people with a lot to offer hence why we dated in the first place. I think they have a deep respect for honest dudes too? Hmmm, except for one… but that’s another story.

One of my closest friends is having a baby soon. His priorities are pretty much the complete opposite of mine. He has the woman of his dreams with a kid on the way and he has worked extremely hard to pay off his debts to start with a clean slate for his wife and soon to be baby. This I admire. Looking in the mirror I don’t have the woman of my dreams. I have a vague notion of what she will be like but have yet to have a connection worth spending a lifetime with. I am confident however that it will happen. I have debt, primarily credit cards whose statements read like a restaurant and bar guide to Auckland. I buy a lot of shit too, gadgets that I don’t need, clothes that cute shop assistants say looks fantastic but I never have the balls to wear, and watches. Did I mention I have a timepiece addiction?

I like to drive nice cars no matter what the cost and live in a flash pad which means renting over buying. The only aspect about my personality that seems to ‘throw down’ against my hedonistic approach to life is the fact that I worry about things like the environment and get highly frustrated when my inner city apartment living neighbours fu*k up their recycling!

Well comparatively I don’t know whats better? I like to think I have fun and not take life too seriously however my moments of realisation are often weighed down with guilt. I know too that I would completely change my lifestyle and financial situation once the woman of my dreams enters my life.

I guess I do feel like I am behind the eight ball a wee bit but at least it's still on the table. I haven’t lost yet… I don’t know if I am quite winning either though? Only time will tell. I still have time for a comeback and I tend to be pretty good at those.

So where am I? I still don’t know but it often tends to have a sticky floor and smell like a brewery! Time to be more pure and stable perhaps, like the beautiful white mac I am typing this on. Vented.

//TD